February Horoscope


Aries- Aries, you’re the most adventurous and experienced amongst your peers. Chances are, you’ve already seen the movie before it comes up in conversation. Refrain from gloating, because no one likes a showoff. Your impulse to always be first may have given you bragging rights in the past, but beware of trying the new ramen place in Chinatown— lest you’ll be the first to the bathroom. Leo- Leo, make sure to turn off your read receipts before you blow off last week’s date. While you take pride in being a heartbreaker, the poor fool was charmed and misled by your innate flirtatiousness and will continue to text you unless your lack of interest is made obvious. Script and rehearse your kindest let down. That way, you’ll be able to recite it to future suitors after conversation turns dull.

Aquarius- Valentine’s Day is coming, Aquarius. While there are many contenders for your love, your shallowness will do you wrong when making your decision. Be careful to read the bio before swiping right— as a box of chocolates are preferable to a big, awkward catfish.

Pisces- This season is against your favor, Pisces. A year short of leap year, there is less time to procrastinate before midterms. You’re halfway through re-watching Friends on Netflix, but it’s time to put Joey on the backburner, grab a cup of Joe and get to work.

Virgo- Stop and smell the roses. Don’t stress about Valentine’s Day. Although you prefer to organize everything in advance, you’ll likely find a last-minute date for the evening who will gift you flowers. Avoid he who buys you daisies, especially the ones that are dyed fluorescent colors. A rose or two won’t kill their wallet. Those cheap bouquets don’t even smell good, and they’ll surely throw off the color scheme of your living room.

Libra- Friends are asking a lot of you this month, Libra. You’re always willing to give rides and lend underwear, because you’re great at putting yourself into other’s people’s shoes. However, beware of foot fungi. The last thing you need is an unrelenting mooch.

Scorpio- You’re typically power hungry, and can smell bullsh*t from a mile away. Both figuratively and literally, you have a fantastic sense of smell. You’ve been drawn to the bakery’s aromas lately. During hibernation season this did you well, but the climate is thawing and thus it’s time to thaw those frozen vegetables. Use that power hunger to power into a salad.

Cancer- You’ve been a little crabby this month, Cancer—but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your addiction to California Lottery scratchers will soon pay off. A dollar sacrifice may turn into four, or even eight, George Washingtons, so treat yourself to a Snickers.

Sagittarius- Sagittarius, the stars have rewarded your free spirit and you’ve been quite lucky lately. However, as much as you hold your head high, you must look down at the ground more often. A silly Pisces may have dropped that $20 bill you need to make rent, or your shoelaces are untied.

Taurus- You’re a proud follower. Rather than creating, you’ll gladly improve upon existing ideas. Try your hand at scalping Lakers’ tickets, selling goods on craigslist or possibly trekking the silk road. Your temper and persistence will keep your regulars in the palm of your hand. If you make the right connections, this can be a very lucrative business to support your affinity for knick-knacks and name brands.

Capricorn- Lighten up a bit. Even lighter. There ya go. Now, you’ve been waiting a really long time for the line at Starbucks to move.  It’s okay, the Coffee Bean isn’t that bad. Besides, the pumpkin latte is long gone and you’ll have to opt for Pike Place because they’re out of Sumatra. Caffeine is caffeine, and the Coffee Bean next door is always empty.

Gemini- Your sharp tongue has gotten you out of speeding tickets, D grades and awkward dates. Be cautious within the following weeks, however— try to play mysterious stranger and close your open book. You’ve been talking everyone’s ears off lately, and quite frankly, when someone asks how you are, they’re not really asking how you are.

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